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I was taking a walk just the other day, when I met Jesus on the street. His clothing was torn and tattered, and he had no shoes on his feet. Looking at him closely, there was soil darkening his skin. He must not have eaten in so long, because his body was very thin.
My heart fell low, as did my spirit. I felt saddened by his image, regretful of his appearance.
But, then I looked into his eyes and saw a different vision. He strongly emitted that he was on a persistent mission. He wasn’t sad, nor was he mad. These were not his feelings. This man came to teach us, and bless us with his healing.
Some looked away. Some ran and hid. But, others realized what he did. He gave us hope, and endless love. His soul was as pure as the whitest dove.
This man was…
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My little pup came home today
in a box – of all the ways…
I brought her home today, to stay.
She will join the others someday
when their ashes are mixed with mine…
we’ll be reunited, one last time.
Until I venture across the Bridge
with joy in my heart I shall rush to meet
my kindred spirits, my furry Kids.
St. Francis, please take care of them
while they are there. I miss them , everyone.
But Bella was special in her own way… so scared, so timid,
too shy to stray…but yet, loving, in her own way.
She learned to trust and learned to play…and
her antics made me laugh, anxious to please, she tried so hard..
Then out of the Blue, cruel fate struck,…such bad luck
No fix was to be had, no matter the cost….all was lost.
There was no pain, but she was miserable, lost and so terrified
of the blackness all around…blindness nearly made her lose her mind..
She tried so hard to find her way, but cried in frustration
and howled in fear and desolation.
I cried, I wept, I gnashed my teeth and got no sleep.
We tried the vet, did the meds, looked at options
and with dread, realized if all failed, the outlook was grim…
There was a faint glimmer of hope, so I thought…
but it was all for naught. She was exhausted,
she had fought the fight with valiant soul
but her brain wouldn’t let her eat or drink
She could not survive on prayer alone.
It came time to send her “home”.
My heart rebelled , then broke…
my soul screamed ‘No!”I don’t want her to go!
But I knew that I must send her on her
last journey, alone….
I prayed that the final darkness would soon
turn to blissful light, that would comfort her
on her flight …towards the Rainbow Bridge
where she would be welcomed by all my “kids”.
I love and miss her, this has not changed…
a hole in my heart shall remain.
Beautiful Bella, my sweet darling
scared little pup…forgive me, please…
I did my best…
I loved you more than all the rest.
It wasn’t enough, this I know.
WOW! What a way to be woken up…..i awoke to the sound of someone pounding on my door, calling my name this morning. As it turned out – it was a former co-worker, whom I call friend, with a care package of a gift card, and food and drink items, because they know, that without a job, finances are going to be an issue very shortly, and they wanted to help out in anyway that they could. It moved me to tears…. and brought to mind the words of Blanche DuBois in Streetcar of Desire…”I depend upon the kindness of strangers.” I never expected a gesture such as this. Especially in light of the fact that these friends/co-workers make less money than I did and yet are so very willing to share what they have.
After my awful week , and shittier weekend , I made a decision to go incommunicado with the world in general, until such time as I could face talking with anyone, without wanting to burst into tears, or worse, coming across like a raving psychopathic lunatic bent on revenge at the unfairness of it all. I am outspoken by nature anyway, and didn’t want to further tarnish my reputation in such a way. I don’t generally care what anyone thinks of me, but have also learned from hard experience not to burn bridges, despite the wake of destruction, that life leaves behind once it has successfully swooped in like a Category 5 tornado, and once again destroyed what I had so diligently built. It is that horror over the demolition, and futility of it all, when you realize that what little you had is GONE, and the prospect of rebuilding is so daunting and so seemingly overwhelming, that it is all you can do to absorb the impact, let alone envision any future, that causes one to wail in anguish and anger. In my case, this profound sense of doom was reminiscent of when I had my home of over 20 years foreclosed in the last few years, (after a job loss) and literally lost everything that I worked so hard for most of my life.(A younger sister literally saved me from becoming homeless, by taking me into her home and life, at that time… a life-saving gesture if there ever was one.)
Basically, my quality of life now is a far cry from what it used to be, which doesn’t speak very highly of life as I know it now….and to have this very existence threatened, is akin to pulling the rug out from underneath someone. The results are the same. We fall on our ass. Some of us get up – some of us, simply don’t. I am sure most of you have heard the saying that bad things happen in three’s. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop — tensed up in anticipation and dread. Two have already happened…what could the third possibly be? Lord knows there isn’t much left to destroy,when there was so little to begin with. But still, I await the final toll of the bell. I know all the platitudes: “God closes a door, but opens a window”, etc., etc., as I have tried to maintain a sense of hope throughout my life. But these are small comfort when your faith is sorely tested, again and again; you begin to seriously doubt your ability to make any correct decision in your life. I find myself yearning back to my childhood, when, if things weren’t going my way, I wanted to “run away from home”…only now I want to be a grown-up runaway. Just chuck it all and leave. Walk away from the detritus of life as I knew it and start over. Preferably with a new identity. Maybe the “witless” protection program?Don’t I wish that were an option!! I would surely take it. Perhaps it is the road less traveled that I need to explore. Except I don’t know where to begin.It is this “frozen in terror and indecision” that makes the future , any future, hard to imagine and harder still to see oneself striving valiantly towards. The question “For what?”, comes to mind? Perhaps, if I were younger, and had more energy, I would not feel so bleak, so very naked and powerless. But I am not. I am older and tired and possess very little energy anymore, to begin with, let alone energy in reserve. Red Bull is not a solution to this existential crisis.
Then along come friends and their very loving, touching gesture of kindness and compassion, when it is least expected. And once again, I find myself crying. Not for sadness, but out of gratitude and over their thoughtfulness and caring. Just when I thought I was done, and didn’t have anymore tears left inside of me. These friends have renewed my faith in humanity. They have lit a candle for me, to get me though my dark spell. Their kind words and concern after my abrupt departure from the job, were enough. This was the icing on the cake. For this, I am eternally grateful. I am blessed to have them in my life, and to call them friend.
Today is a day that is going to suck big time….to culminate a week that has been awful and a weekend that was worse than I could have imagined after the week I had already had. FUCK ME RUNNING! Sometimes I just can’t seem to catch a break;and that leaves me feeling very disheartened and disillusioned with this whole process called life; which I am now utterly convinced is nothing more than a slippery slide toward the inevitable outcome – death. It is, afterall, where we are all headed in the long run, ..out final destination,the last frontier.
I lost my job last week. A job I had for 3 years, and was hoping would be my last employment until I would retire next year around this time. That was how the week started. Not a good start, granted. But never did I anticipate that it was, in fact, a harbinger, for worse things to come, at least not this soon. Losing a job can mean facing eventual homelessness (which is still a possibility), and not a choice anyone looks forward to facing. But then neither is what came afterwards…..
My little, young, beautiful chihuahua, suddenly became ill. Actually, I thought she had suddenly and inexplicably, become blind, from all the outward symptoms. That reality was horrifying enough…but it was soon to become worse….which causes me to wonder, exactly how many levels of hell are there?
More than one, apparently. As I was soon to find out, as the vet diagnosed her with some some of encephalitis, origin unknown. So, now we reach the third level of hell….faced with no employment – therefore – no income – no savings and now a looming vet bill for diagnosis and treatment that may or may not be successful, regardless of what we decide to do – I am faced with the reality that I must now end her suffering – because she is suffering….and I can’t fix it. It is highly doubtful that even with unlimited funds that whatever she has been struck with, can be fixed. Which makes the inevitable all that much worse for me. Welcome to the fourth level of hell. It can’t be any worse for her. I am her “Mom”, I am supposed to make things better…and I can’t.
Enter the fifth level of hell… at least for me…the last vet visit for my beloved pet. I’ve been here before, (with other beloved pets)so this is a return trip. It is the price you pay for the love they gave and that you shared with them. I knew this going in….But this time, it was not a lengthy relationship….just a little over a year. How fucking sad is that? I will tell you how sad…it is absolutely soul-shatteringly heartbreaking. It is NOT fucking fair! She deserves a longer life! One that I can’t give her. I weep inconsolably for the lost chance.
After the deadly deed is done, I shall go forth into the sixth level of hell…guilt. I’ll dwell there for a while until I slip into the seventh level of hell that comprises absolute bleakness and profound despair and utter sadness compounded with inconsolable sorrow. This will be my last stop on this trip, as I feel that my stay here will be prolonged.
I can only hope that Bella’s journey to the Rainbow Bridge will be a merciful one, short and quick and painless…followed by her joy at being a beloved healthy puppy once again. When she meets up with my other pets there, I hope they all have good memories to share about me, their Mom, and look forward to seeing me when I get there, so we can all cross over the Bridge together. Until that time, I shall love and miss her, more than she ever knows.
GoodBye , My Beloved Bella….I hope and pray that you brief time on this earth and in my life was a happy one. And moreso, that you knew you were loved.
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