WOW!  What a way to be woken up…..i awoke to the sound of someone pounding on my door, calling my name this morning. As it turned out – it was a former co-worker, whom I call friend, with a care package of a gift card, and food and drink items, because they know, that without a job, finances are going to be an issue very shortly, and they wanted to help out in anyway that they could. It moved me to tears…. and brought to mind the words of Blanche DuBois in Streetcar of Desire…”I depend upon the kindness of strangers.” I never expected a gesture such as this. Especially in light of the fact that these friends/co-workers make less money than I did and yet are so very willing to share what they have.

After my awful week , and shittier weekend , I  made a decision to go incommunicado with the world in general, until such time as I could face talking with anyone, without wanting to burst into tears, or worse, coming across like a raving psychopathic  lunatic bent on revenge at the unfairness of it all. I am outspoken by nature anyway, and didn’t want to further tarnish my reputation in such a way. I don’t generally care what anyone thinks of me, but have also learned from hard experience not to burn bridges, despite the wake of destruction, that life leaves behind once it has successfully swooped in like a Category 5 tornado, and once again destroyed what I had so diligently built. It is that horror over the demolition, and futility of it all, when you realize that what little you had is GONE, and the prospect of rebuilding is so daunting and so seemingly overwhelming, that it is all you can do to absorb the impact, let alone envision any future, that causes one to wail in anguish and anger. In my case, this profound sense of doom was reminiscent of when I had my home of over 20 years foreclosed in the last few years, (after a job loss) and literally lost everything that I worked so hard for most of my life.(A younger sister  literally saved me from becoming homeless, by taking me into her home and life, at that time… a life-saving gesture if there ever was one.)

Basically, my quality of life now is a far cry from what it used to be, which doesn’t speak very highly of life as I know it now….and to have this very existence threatened, is akin to pulling the rug out from underneath someone. The results are the same. We fall on our ass. Some of us get up – some of us, simply don’t. I am sure most of you have heard the saying that bad things happen in three’s.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop — tensed up in anticipation and dread. Two have already happened…what could the third possibly be? Lord knows there isn’t much left to destroy,when there was so little to begin with. But still, I await the final toll of the bell.  I know all the platitudes: “God closes a door, but opens a window”, etc., etc., as I have tried to maintain a sense of hope throughout my life. But these are small comfort when your faith is sorely tested, again and  again; you begin to seriously doubt your ability to make any correct decision in your life. I find myself yearning back to my childhood, when, if things weren’t going  my way, I wanted to “run away from home”…only now I want to be a grown-up runaway. Just chuck it all and leave. Walk away from the detritus of life as I knew it and start over. Preferably with a new identity. Maybe the “witless” protection program?Don’t I wish that were an option!! I would surely take it. Perhaps it is the road less traveled that I need to explore. Except I don’t know where to begin.It is this “frozen in terror and indecision” that makes the future , any future, hard to imagine and harder still to see oneself striving valiantly towards. The question “For what?”, comes to mind? Perhaps, if I were younger, and had more energy, I would not feel so bleak, so very naked and powerless. But I am not. I am older and tired and possess very little energy anymore, to begin with, let alone energy in reserve. Red Bull is not a solution to this existential crisis.

Then along come friends and their very loving, touching gesture of kindness and compassion, when it is least expected. And once again, I find myself crying. Not for sadness, but out of gratitude and over their thoughtfulness and caring. Just when I thought I was done, and didn’t have anymore tears left inside of me. These friends have renewed my faith in humanity. They have lit a candle for me, to get me though my dark spell. Their kind words and concern after my abrupt departure from the job, were enough. This was the icing on the cake. For this, I am eternally grateful. I am blessed to have them in my life, and to call them friend.