Today is  a day that is going to suck big time….to culminate a week that has been awful and a weekend that was worse than I could have  imagined after the week I had already had. FUCK ME RUNNING!  Sometimes I just can’t seem to catch a break;and that leaves me feeling very disheartened and disillusioned with this whole process called life; which I am now utterly convinced is nothing more than a slippery slide toward the inevitable outcome – death. It is, afterall, where we are all headed in the long run, ..out final destination,the last frontier.

I lost my job last week. A job I had  for 3 years, and was hoping would be my last employment until I would retire next year around this time. That was how the week started. Not a good start, granted. But never did I anticipate that it was, in fact, a harbinger, for worse things to come, at least not this soon. Losing a job can mean facing eventual homelessness (which is still a possibility), and not a choice anyone looks forward to facing. But then neither is what came afterwards…..

My little, young, beautiful chihuahua, suddenly became ill.  Actually, I thought she had suddenly and inexplicably, become blind, from all the outward symptoms.  That reality was horrifying enough…but it was soon to become worse….which causes me to wonder, exactly how many levels of hell are there?

More than one, apparently. As I was soon to find out, as the vet diagnosed her with some some of encephalitis, origin unknown. So, now we reach the third level of hell….faced with no employment – therefore – no income – no savings and now a looming vet bill for diagnosis and treatment that may or may not be successful, regardless of what we decide to do – I am faced with the reality that I must now end her suffering – because she is suffering….and I can’t fix it.   It is highly doubtful that even with unlimited funds that whatever she has been struck with, can be fixed. Which makes the inevitable all that much worse for me.  Welcome to the fourth level of hell. It can’t be any worse for her. I am her “Mom”, I am supposed to make things better…and I can’t.

Enter the fifth level of hell… at least for me…the last vet visit for my beloved pet. I’ve been here before, (with other beloved pets)so this is a return trip. It is the price you pay for the love they gave and that you shared with them.  I knew this going in….But this time, it was not a lengthy relationship….just a little over a year. How fucking sad is that? I will tell you how sad…it is absolutely soul-shatteringly heartbreaking. It is NOT fucking fair! She deserves a longer life! One that I can’t give her. I weep inconsolably for the lost chance.

After the deadly deed is done, I shall go forth into the sixth level of hell…guilt. I’ll dwell there for a while until I slip into the seventh level  of hell that comprises absolute bleakness and profound despair and utter sadness compounded with inconsolable sorrow. This will be my last stop on this trip, as I feel that  my stay here will be prolonged.

I can only hope that Bella’s journey to the Rainbow Bridge will be a merciful one, short and quick and painless…followed by her joy at being a beloved healthy puppy once again. When she meets up with my other pets there, I hope they all have good memories to share about me, their Mom, and look forward to seeing me when I get there, so we can all cross over the Bridge together. Until that time, I shall love and miss her, more than she ever knows.

GoodBye , My Beloved Bella….I hope and pray that you brief time on this earth and in my life was a happy one. And moreso, that you knew you were loved.

 

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